Talking about a traditional craft village talking about the city life or country life?

3. TALKING ABOUT TEENAGERS NOWADAYS

It's so unfair. No one understands you. People who actually have no idea tell you what to do all the time. About anything. Everyone patronises you or exchanges knowing looks when you say something really important. No one sees you as an individual any more but just as some kind of generic blob. No one is there when you feel really lonely. No one is there when you discover something completely weird about the world. No one is there when you are too tired to pick up the remote control. No one gets quite how boring all of this is.

This is how it feels to be the parent of a teenager. Not all the time. Some of the time. I can't tell you how to do it, but I can reassure you that you are probably doing it all wrong. There are experts in adolescence, apparently. There are manuals that are fine if you accept that you just need to change the settings on teenagers until their lights flash on and off. Teenagers are bracketed with toddlers in terms of targeted user guides. This seems naff, but there is no one these days apparently not in need of some dumbed-down cognitive behavioural therapy. Strangely, I happen to believe teenagers – er, much like us grown-ups – are all different.

I am currently on my third teenager (she is 13; my older ones are in their 20s), but the real truth is that I am on my fourth. Me! I was a teenager. It is this experience more than anything that informs my parenting. For I know I was pretty much formed as a person by 14, and I haven't changed that much since. That may be a good thing or a bad thing. Your relationship to your adolescent is often hooked into the relationship you have with your own adolescence. So many irrational fears, hopes and denials come from this nowhere land.

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That's why, when your child starts the journey of separating from you, you may react in all sorts of strange ways. You as a parent may feel suddenly out of control. Of yourself as well as of your child.

Many people seem anxious that what is seen as adolescent behaviour kicks in long before the teen years, at about 10. By this I mean the stereotypical way that we define this phase: wanting stuff, being sarcastic, needing to be alone sometimes, caring too much about being included or excluded from particular groups, demanding the impossible, being oversensitive, easily hurt and inexplicably angry. All while doing daft things. None of these behaviours belongs to any one age group, but we tend to see teenagers' emotional lives as somehow always excessive and exaggerated.

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The intensity of this time of life is something we seek to grow them out of, and secretly envy. Once, I found one of my daughters sobbing in her room. What was the matter? "Mum, I want to be the same as everyone else, but I want to stand out and be different from them, too" – a pretty good encapsulation of a feeling that never leaves us. And that is bigger than the rows about the messy bedroom, the house as hotel, the smoking, drinking, boyfriends. For the glorious technicolour of this time is hard to live with as a parent. Your demands are black and white. Clean up. Stop pushing at every boundary. Yes, school is bloody boring – just get through it. Their demands are vivid. I want to be a star. I want to change the world. I want unconditional love. I hate you. I want to take risks. I want to be safe. I want to be free.

All I can say, having learned the hard way, is pick your battles. Just because everything can be an argument doesn't mean it has to be. The things you dread are the things you did. Sex, drugs, piercings, tattoos. (The worst is tattoos, but it's too late now.)

Most of us will not die of an untidy bedroom, but it is nice to think that your children could at one stage be civilised enough to live with someone. Basic manners are always welcome, too. What remains key, though, is this need for the child to carve a separate identity from you. "The teenager", though a relatively new identity, was born of young people having disposable income in the 1950s. It is now subject to a globalised industry. Our children are consumed by it. We, who purchase much of it for them, often tell them it is worthless.

They are also under pressure from an unrelenting education system that tests them into numbness. They must worry about money and employability, and we act as though they are too busy Snapchatting to notice all the conversations about the end of the world, the end of social mobility, the end of antibiotics that are happening all around them. Their rebellions can go viral, but remain undetected at home as parents are mainly baffled by the tech the kids are using. We kept them off the streets because of paedophiles, and now we fear they don't see the risks online.

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Neuroscience is wheeled in to explain teenage behaviour in reductive ways. Using brain scans to explain culturally determined activities – risk-taking – we identify the parts of the brain that do not mature until later. The frontal and parietal lobes responsible for planning and self-control, the bits that don't envision the consequences of their actions, are said in some teenangers not to be fully formed. This speaks to the exasperated parent. When did your sweetpea become a massive sulky thing? Why does every argument go from 0-60 with no gear change in between? Why does your baby compare you with her friend's better parents and make you feel like an overprotective, miserly clown? If it is actually her brain, then hey, it's not your fault at all.

Actually, it is about hearts and minds, and it is massively complicated – because we are. Being a parent at this stage means a constant negotiation between keeping them safe and letting them go. We are not good at letting go, and in my experience we are also very poor risk assessors. One of my kids didn't nearly die from going to festivals very young, but from an accident on a "healthy" cycling holiday. Her sister also came close to death, not because she didn't get fed organic carrots, but because she had meningitis. My worst fears nearly came true because of incidents I could not predict, so it's not surprising I became laissez-faire about the things I could.

Why turn yourself into a flappy mess of worry to make them come home by 2am? What are they going to do then that they won't have done by midnight? What did you do yourself?

I wish we could all be less hard on one another. Breathe and realise you will fail. I have worried about things that were not important to them, I have been selfish, I have felt hurt and unseen, just as they have. My fantasies of teen world are not theirs. I have girls, but I know it's no easier for boys. All kids can have a monstrous time.

When your child is little, they need you and you know what to do. Teenagers don't need you or even appear to like you, but they do need you to be semi-available for them. This often coincides with a time in your life when you may feel you deserve more freedom. What gets you through? For me, it's that I remain enamoured of their intensity, their urgency. To be with someone as the adult world reveals itself is pretty wonderful. I love how wholly unimpressed and cynical my kids have been one minute, but the next bowled over by a Vine of a gerbil in a jumper.

Often I think they are right and we are wrong, and that grown-ups exist to persuade them to give up what we are afraid of in ourselves. Other times I am scared for them. But always I wish – as I have wished at every stage of my children's lives – that they could stay as they are. Never change. Then I see my older children, no longer teenagers at all, but people whom I not only love but actually like. Which, after all, is pretty much the only thing that matters. And was sometimes the hardest thing to hold on to in between the teenage kicks.

'If you think a friend isn't good for us, we still have to figure it out for ourselves': Mariama Bojang, 14

Sometimes parents need to think about giving their teenagers a little bit more freedom and understanding. If we are trusted, then we feel more independent and grown-up, so we are going to come home happy, instead of sitting on the phone all night. We are also thankful, so we're not going to do anything to spoil it and might do our chores. My mum checks in on me when I'm with my friends, but it's only five seconds, and then she feels comfortable. It's not nice feeling that someone thinks you're a liar, so I want her to know I'm OK.

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Some parents put their teenagers under too much pressure. I have friends who will tell their parents they got an A in an exam, and their parents will ask why it wasn't an A*. My mum knows I am always trying my best and that is good enough for her. I can confide in her and I'm quite proud of that.

I am involved with the Reclaim project in Manchester (reclaimproject.org.uk) – it's for young people in the north-west to challenge stereotypes and make young people into leaders. We meet up every month and do something like debating or helping the elderly, and it has really improved my self-confidence. There were girls I wouldn't speak to before because I assumed we wouldn't get along, but I can talk to them now.

My mum works in Starbucks. I've got two big sisters and a brother, but it's just me and my mum and sister at home. The best piece of advice my mum has ever given me is to be proud of myself and what I am doing. Where I'm from, it's OK, but sometimes people can make judgments about the people who live here. My mum always tells me to be proud and well turned out.

Parents also need to realise that not all teenagers are rebels. But if we do make mistakes, that's how we are going to learn. My mum sees dangers where there aren't any. Even if you think a certain friend might not be good for us, we have to figure it out for ourselves sometimes.

'The battle they are never going to win is fashion': Katie Adamson, 13

When I go out, my mum worries far too much – she wants to know all the details, who is going to be there, exactly where we are going. Parents worry about us spending time with people they don't know, but I don't know all of their friends, so it's not weird that they don't know all of mine. My advice would be: ask kids for some details, make sure at least one person you know will be there and the time they are coming back, but then give them some freedom.

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Parents don't understand how young people use technology. My dad is always having a go at me for my BlackBerry clicking, which means I can't text my friends. I bought this one with my own money – if you don't like the clicking, you should buy me a new phone! We use Snapchat and BBM to organise ourselves – no one uses Facebook any more because parents can see that.

I go out quite a lot. My parents get annoyed – they say I'm messing them around when I organise times to get picked up or dropped off, but plans change, and if they won't let me get public transport… When I'm allowed out, I'm much happier, so I'm nicer.

The battle parents will never win is fashion. We're always going to have different tastes. I wear crop tops and my dad's like, Katie! We should be allowed to try on a dress for a party and see how we feel in it. If I'm buying clothes with my own money, I should be allowed to make my own mistakes. Mum's fashion sense is all right, but there are some things… I mean, why would your mum wear cheetah? I'm not going to want her to show off, but she should wear something she feels good in, and so should I.

For me, the secret to having a happy teen is giving them space and freedom – without that, there is no fun and happiness. But you also need to find common ground – with my dad, I watch crime thrillers; with my mum, Downton Abbey. It's good to have a thing you can bond over.

'If you need something doing, don't go on about it': Faris Gohir, 13

Whenever I get told off by my mum, she gives me these really long lectures. Seriously, they are so long that by the end of them I can't even remember what we were talking about. When it comes to my dad, he's much more short and snappy. To tell you the truth, my mum is softer than my dad – my dad is more scary – but I'd still rather be told off by my dad. Don't send your kids to sleep with a lecture – if you shout, at least we will remember what it was about.

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My mum worries a lot about my future. She's a women's rights activist and I'm always saying, don't worry, I'm not going to be a rapist, I'm not going to be a Taliban, I'm not going to be an alcoholic. I don't know why she worries – it's just how parents are. I'm sure their parents worried about them, too. I know what I want to do – I want to do computer science – so I'm not too worried about the future.

I ask my parents for advice if I need help with my work. One time, ages ago, I was being bullied at school, and my mum helped get it sorted out.

My advice for parents is, if you want something doing, don't constantly go on about it, just say it once. If you say it multiple times, we just won't feel like it. And if you need to punish your teenagers, I'd say stop them playing computer games or take away their phones – teens use their phones to text their friends all the time, and if you take it away, they will learn from their mistake. My parents take my games console away if I get in trouble, which means I get bored, so it does work.

Sometimes parents try to engage with their kids and it goes wrong. One time my mum was texting me, using all this youth language. I was thinking, what's going on? Has someone stolen my mum's phone? I found it pretty weird.

'My mum will ask, 'Is that your girlfriend?': Olly Reeves, 16

I'm at the Brit School, but my mum's not a pushy stage mum – she says if I want to be an actor when I'm older, then it's up to me to go out and do it. I was always a dramatic child: if I didn't want to eat my vegetables, I'd just throw them on the floor and get called a drama queen.

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When I'm going to a party, Mum wants me to call her when I get there, after an hour, when I leave. She says she wants me to have my independence, then takes it away by asking for the phone number of the place I'm going. They want you to get a job, but won't let you stay at a friend's house. Teenagers are hypocritical about this, too: our need for independence changes by the minute.

Arguments can build up over stupid little things, and technology is a very big deal. I have to put aside my homework and help my mum log on. Then if I close my door and go on my laptop, she worries about what I might be doing online.

She has influenced me with her drive and passion, but she can be embarrassing, too. When I'm with my friends, she tries to suss out whether I'm going out with any of them. They might still be at my house, putting on their shoes, and she'll ask, "Is that your girlfriend?" She asks random questions about my social life. I probably edit my life for her benefit: I just don't seem to mention the wrong people.

My mum says things like, "When I'm not here, no one will be able to run your bath." Parents worry about our independence. It's probably because they know that we are about to become adults and, in a way, they worry we're going to turn into them.

'You have to realise that your child is going to experiment': Matt Mapother, 17

Parents remember the way they grew up and think it's still the same, but it's not. Now, most teens have mobiles, so it's easier to keep in contact. As for stranger danger, kids are pretty mature these days – they know when someone isn't right. Drink and drugs are clearly an issue. When I was in year seven, we never talked about drugs, but now I'm in year 12 I know younger kids take drugs and it makes you think, do their parents know? It's definitely something parents should talk about, but you also have to realise that your child is going to experiment. All you can do is make sure they are aware of the consequences. You can't go everywhere with your child; can't babysit them through these years.

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I can talk to my parents about anything to do with school. When I was bullied, I talked to my mum and dad, and it got resolved. I was scared that talking about it could make it worse, but when you've got someone reassuring you, you can clear your head and think straight. As you grow up, your friends become your second parents, but when things are getting out of hand, your parents have the final say.

Sex. Well, it needs to be talked about. I was in year seven, on my computer, when my mum and dad came to talk to me about it. It was cringey. I was embarrassed as hell. But now I'm older, I'm glad we had the conversation. Parents should talk to their kids about sex, but don't scare them, don't go into details. I had already learned the mechanics at school; my parents talked about being with someone. They told me to be sensible, not take risks. I realised they have faith in me, which made me act better: I had to live up to it.

It's all about balance. You have to know you can talk to your parents about anything. Parents have to trust their teens to do the right thing, but if they don't, take a step back and still be there for them.

'There's so much pressure on us in terms of money': Loren Corbett-Hassit, 16

I'm studying broadcast and digital communication at the Brit School, and I want to work as a presenter in the future. I've always been the less academic one. My sister is a year older and she's already thinking of which university she's going to.

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My parents have always been very supportive. The most annoying thing they do is badger me to get a job – it's almost like them always asking about it means I won't do it. My dad was working in the market at 11, and gave me a good work ethic. I had a job in the bakery when I was younger, but it's not practical to do my GCSEs and have a job and social life at the same time. I'll get a job in September.

Parents don't understand the pressure on teenagers in terms of money. My mum is quite old, and when she was young she had only Sunday best and two or three other outfits. I've got so many, but want more. The shops update their collections all the time and my mum doesn't understand that you have to have the new look. We row about pocket money: I spend it on travel, cinema tickets, going to see friends, and it's gone – then I see a new top for £15. It was way easier for my parents when they were teenagers.

There's a lot of pressure now about body image, too. I'm quite open with my mum about that sort of thing, but if I say I've got so much cellulite, she says, you've got to stop: be happy with what you've got. She says, I wish I was young like you, you're so lucky. I want to say, with respect, you're not young, and I feel insecure about this. If I say I want to go on a shake diet, or I need these fitness trainers, they say, you don't need money to be healthy. They say, we're not going to encourage diets, there's always healthy food in the house. One in five of my friends has an eating disorder, and most of them can't talk about it to their parents.

My parents are quite laid-back, but they think I go out too much, and my dad always asks, "Will there be boys there?" I get angry with them quicker than I should, but it should be about compromise. When parents give advice, they should be honest with their kids: if there's any hint of hypocrisy, we're going to resent it.

'Parents think all technology is bad, but it can be used for productive things too': Elliot Miller, 15

Some parents think that their teenagers are wasting their time, especially on electronic devices and social networks. My parents worry about that because I do use the computer a lot, but I don't think they particularly need to – they've taught me how to limit myself, so I know if I need to stop and do something more productive.

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Parents sometimes need to embrace new technology a bit more – that is one thing they don't seem to understand. They think all technology is bad, but Twitter and Facebook can be used for productive things, too. Don't try to communicate with your teen on Facebook, though. That really is a no-no. When that happens to one of my friends, their name is the punchline to every joke for the rest of that day.

From a young age, my parents have encouraged me to work hard, and even though they might not have put it like this, I've learned that if you work hard now, you can enjoy yourself more later. For me, on things like homework, teenagers just have to do it and then they won't have any problems. I talk to my parents a lot about homework – they are supportive and they know if I'm struggling a bit, and that's really helpful.

In general, people need to be less negative about teenagers. We might be at the bus stop or outside McDonald's, and people will give us ugly looks. They assume we're engaging in unlawful activities. It's not that they say anything to us, it's more what they don't say. They don't know us, or engage us in conversation, but they judge us. There are a lot of negative stereotypes about teenagers – that we are lazy, that we spend all of our time online – and it's a misconception: most teens I know work hard and want to achieve. It's about communicating, really. The more we communicate, the more those stereotypes disappear and we can build better relationships.

'Bullying does happen but often it's just thoughtless': Katt Weaver, 16

One of the things parents worry about, especially with girls, is if they are going out with boys, or wearing provocative clothing. Maybe it would be more helpful if boys were told how to behave with girls instead. In school, we don't really learn enough about politics or equality – I know a lot of boys who are sexist.

Parents also worry about us being online, but teens have grown up with the internet: it's just us talking to each other. Bullying does happen, but often it's thoughtless rather than vindictive. And there isn't much parents can do about it. If you think your child is depressed, you should worry, but I think most of that stuff online isn't real. On Twitter, girls say, "Oh, I wish I was thinner" but they don't really mean it.

The thing parents should worry about is money. At school we learn nothing about it, and it's stuff we need to know. When you leave school, you don't understand the implications of what stuff costs.

Parents have to let teens make their own decisions about uni. It's so expensive that it's not worth pushing them to do law because you wanted to do law.

You should talk to teens casually, not all raging and exaggerating the issue. On things like drinking, everyone does it. It's not a new thing and it's just part of being a teen. Despite what the media say, teens aren't bad. We have goals and know about current affairs and how we can change things. We might not watch the news, but we find stuff out on the internet.

My one piece of advice to parents would be to set boundaries with your teen, but also to let them do their own thing. Make sure they have awareness, rather than saying they can't do something. Don't be too strict, because then teens won't tell you anything. I know people who've gone down that route. Once it starts, you become more distant and then there's no way back.

'Speak to your teen, don't just give them money to go out': Craig Elliott, 15

I've been doing exams. After the first one, my dad took me out for tea. It was great to have a bit of father-and-son time. I think parents should do that, even just asking how something went or if you need help. The first time I sat down to revise, I thought, I'll clean my room instead. Clearly I was procrastinating, but I think my mum was quite happy.

Parents worry about their teen getting in with the wrong group, but maybe they want to be popular or are not getting enough attention at home. It's important that teens get individual time with their parents.

It annoys me when my sister, who is younger, gets to go to bed at the same time as me. Also, don't blame one teen when it's the other one's fault, and speak to them, don't just give them money to go out. Make time for them and listen. If your parents are interested, it gives you a real boost.

'It helps that we sit around the table to eat our tea': Sophie Elliott, 13

Parents have to ask about how things are going and see how they can help. Not every day – we'll talk when we're ready. My mum asks me: "Have you met any nice boys today?" There is no point asking – nothing has changed since yesterday.

My mum and I had a girly pampering night and it was great: we talked about everything. Things parents should probably worry about are arguments with friends and also body image.

Another thing parents should know: if there are problems, don't pretend everything is OK. Tell us what is happening and make sure we know it's not our fault. It helps that the four of us sit around the table to eat our tea. Young peoplethink parents don't know anything, but they know more than you think and can help with stuff